I personally believe, as Christians who would mourn with someone who lost a family member, we should also make sure to remember the littlest of people. Mothers and fathers of babies who die in the womb, just before birth, or soon after, are often put through the “just get over it” phase. The earlier in pregnancy the baby dies, or if there are disabilities such as Down’s syndrome or Trisomy 18, there is often a justification for shortening the mourning period.
I believe there is a time to mourn, and also that we do feel a deep sadness for the chidlren we do not get to actually meet because God set eternity in our hearts. Maybe I am making a leap here, and please let me know if this is not a right thought, but I do believe we were not actually meant to be apart in death. Not actually. So, it’s a natural state to mourn our losses.
I personally see grief as a gift. When I had a baby die in the womb at 16 weeks, something discovered at a regular OB appointment, I mourned deeply. I decided I would allow myself to mourn. I spent hours in prayer, and hours letting God hear my anguish. I spent hours reading scriptures. My other children were being taken care of by grandparents and their father. I just had to weep, think, pray, write, and remember. I wanted to go all the way with mourning. After all, God had created the child in me and I actually felt I was dishonoring God to not mourn properly. Now, this was just feelings, not gospel truth. Though now, I am so glad I did mourn fully.
What I did want more than anything though was to bury the remains of my child. I had been pushed into a D&E by my doctor, who was trying to be kind. I am outspoken, but chose not to ask or speak up. I do not know what was holding me back, but I didn’t ask for the remains, didn’t ask to be induced. I later helped get a line written in a law in my state that caused hospitals to be responsible to inform women they can have the remains when being treated for miscarriage or “fetal demise.”
I know there is a time to let the dead be dead and rejoin the living…but I believe the church should be supportive of those families who have experienced the death of a loved one no matter how small. A rose on the piano, a card of sympathy, a prayer from a pastor or maybe a women’s group leader, a book of rememberance in the church , something should be done to honor those who have had babies die in pregnancy or shortly after birth. I do not think this is a mandate, or that a church is less holy for not doing it. I just think it wouldn’t hurt to do a little bit more.
Of course, there are many women who have never spoken of their miscarriages. It’s too painful, or they have chosen to keep the secret to themselves. Others have had abortions and would never speak of it. If a church acknowleges the losses openly in general, this might help the silent mourners too.
I believe, as a prolife woman, thanking my God for the days I was pregnant with the chidlren I miscarried, and mourning the losses, has honored His creation. Again, this is just my opinion and not a revelation from God to me.
If you have had a baby die, I pray for you. I thank God for the time you had with your baby, no matter how brief, and I pray for your comfort.
I am a C...I am a CH...I am a CHRISTIAN 
i completely agree, and if we did do a little more, perhaps this would be another opportunity for the world to learn that we are not merely mothers at the moment of birth, but at the moment of conception.
here is something i wrote as i was mourning the loss of my little one who also died in my womb. i share it because i think it is important to know that our babies, no matter how small, have a voice, and they do make a difference. that difference may not be as obvious as a toddler’s giggles while chasing a bouncy ball across the living room floor, or as obvious as a water-soaked bathroom after discovering your princess has suddenly turned herself into a little mermaid at bath time, but our little ones make a difference from the very moment they become they.
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Our eyes were fixed, waiting for the curtain to unfold, for you to make your grand appearance. Your presence having an effect on all our lives, turned our heads your way and no other. There we were, waiting anxiously as your gentle form emerged slowly from behind the static and momentary chaos filling the screen.
This was to be your moment, though small, your very own contribution to cause and effect, a simple turning of heads for a time. Of course I dreamed of more for you than that, but since that is all God asked of you, somehow that has to be all right with me. I’m working on that.
Though you were still, very still, you were present. You were nonetheless here with me, within me, with all of us, with all the world even. You were here! You looked beautiful by the way. The yolk sac looked bored, my uterus, confused, but you were beautiful.
Amidst the quiet noise of white coats rustling and equipment clanking my heart whispered, “Wake up,” but your ears were busy, and after a moment or two of realizing the inevitable, I broke the silence and spoke what neither of the white coats had figured out how to say; “I don’t see a heartbeat.”
I clung to you in those few short weeks. That is what mothers do, and once that happens the process of letting go usually takes a good eighteen years or so, but for some of us that process is reduced to mere moments as clinical eyes shift suddenly from that screen and begin carving what is left of life right out of you. –Clearly they did not know you the way I had come to know you.
Your voice, though silent, was a melody that had been heard. A mother hears her child’s every word, even those not spoken, especially those not spoken. Only a mother can know of the sweetness that leaps from her womb and decorates eternity, ascending into bright. Your life, though short, mattered.
You, little one, made a difference in ways not yet revealed. Your presence left its mark, a thumbprint somewhere in the midst of eternity. Somewhere between then and forever, you mattered.
El,
Your writing is beautiful. I myself named one unborn child Melody…knowing I could loose that baby but I felt a melody was created in me. That one was only 3 weeks from conception when lost.
CL: You have experienced something most have not, the loss of a child. It is no wonder to me that you have such a heart of compassion; such a heart comes only from the most serious of trial and pain. It is often difficult to remember, in times of loss, that the Father has a plan and a purpose, even in loss. I don’t pretend to understand, but He does not ask us to understand, only believe.
My daughter also lost twins in the womb, my grandchildren that I am so looking forward to meeting. Until then, I trust them to my Heavenly Father.
Hi,
Your story has interested me and I feel your heart’s cry. I am a husband, though, of a marvelous woman of God who had an ectopic pregnancy. Our faith in God sustained us through this difficult time earlier this year. You are right on with your thought that we were not created to be apart in death. God in His holiness created humans to be not only be sinless, but immortal knowing no death. We know, though, that this isn’t the case any longer. My wife and I rest assured, as I urge you to, that one glorious day we will meet our little one. We will have a reunion not of any earthly kind, but of an eternal one. Until that day, we must live in this life between the times and rejoice knowing that God is sovereign. We are grateful for this and look forward to that day desperately. I will have you in my prayers, and thanks for sharing!
Thank u so much it’s been a year exactly since I miscarried I wasn’t far along a couple months but I was so excited and blessed. I love The Lord so much at first I dealt good people thought but deep down I was hurt but now a year later it’s all coming back and so hard to deal with when no one really knows how much that baby meant to u even though it wasn’t born it meant something to me cuz god gave me it thank u so much I needed to hear this god bless you! My soul needed this to comfort me not one person has comforted me mostly ignored it no one has asked how I am they just don’t bring it up like it never happened.
I am so sorry for your loss…and it’s so lovely that you still remember your child. I cannot say proud is the right word, but I am glad for your memory. God made that child in you, and you are apart. The pain is justified and right. I pray you are comforted in your time of loss and mourning. Read psalms, they were just the right help for me. The Lord knows your heart and He will lift you up. Now, you can comfort another when you find that they have had a loss. Just let them know you are sorry and it is right and good to mourn because there is a proper time and place for it. Your baby matters!
So true! I lost a baby in 2011 at only a couple months (it would have been her 1st birthday this week had she made it to full-term) it was/is the hardest thing I have ever been through! I also wish I had have been able to see, hold and bury our Baby. But I did not know the hospital procedures until it was too late and they had disposed of her tiny body. I did not even think to ask at the time – my biggest regret in life! I an wondering how you went about getting that law set? I really want to do the same here in Australia, but unlike you I’m not naturally out-spoken and have no idea where to even start. If I could do this I would feel good knowing that our baby’s life would help other women who lose babies – I believe seeing and holding you baby (no matter how small or how”formed” they are) helps in the grieving and heeling process! If you could help at all in where I should start etc it would be so appreciated!
Sorry for your losses – they are precious babies and Jesus is looking after then for us now!! I have a poem I wrote after losing our baby – I will post it if anyone is interested?. God bless x
In the USA we have local laws in our individual states to deal with different aspects of medical treatment and hospitals in the areas. I went to a local politician who was a representative in my state government, he wrote a bill which actually failed to make it…it timed out. But, he worked with other legislators to add a line to another medical care bill and so what I wanted to become law did. I just called. Was willing to “be the face” of miscarriage and testify. I would go to those who deal with hospital policy or government officials who deal with such laws/rules and tell your story. Tell what you are looking to do and ask how they believe it can be done. If you cannot find someone to help in that area, go to midwives/doulas/and women’s groups and tell your story and ask for ideas. Keep trying until you find someone to be your ally. Praying for you!
Please post your poem also. Here is a site that might be of help to you also. http://pregnancyloss.info/
Please feel free to check out my blog – I hope it offers some comfort babiesfromjesus.wordpress.com
Thank you so much Christian Lady!! I appreciate you advice! 🙂
My poem:
Bella Harmony
Written on 30 June 2011, by Melody Conneally.
God showed me that You’re perfect, no matter what they say, Your time on Earth cut short by bad chromosones or DNA. But in Heaven now with God a new body he’s given You, So dance our beautiful baby girl, it’s time for Your debut.
You are the most precious gift, but our world took You away, Our comfort is to know that with God is where You’ll stay. Although You were so tiny, Your presence hardly known, You touched my heart so deeply, and my love has only grown.
I cannot be Your mother, though I’ll always be Your mum, Thinking of You every day, until my day does come. We know one day we’ll see You, and You’ll know who we are, Until that day comes, Bella, thoughts of You will not be far.